She was turned on, I was ready to fuck, but neither one dared.
If we ended up making love, I knew that afterwards I would feel like a little insect that had become ensnared in a big spider’s web. I so badly wanted to feel and share passion with her, but knew the price would be high, much too high. I would be confused for days and fearful of getting hurt again.
“I think I should go now,” I said, finding the strength from somewhere to actually do so.
“Yes. You go!” Baltic Babe said angrily.
I was surprised by her reaction. Was she angry because of what had been happening and now felt embarrassed? Was she angry because she was hoping to make love and now felt snubbed? Or was it her separation anxiety kicking in? My instincts told me it was the latter. I knew that she sometimes felt all alone in London, having no family and just a few friends, and probably felt vulnerable at times too. Had I caught her at a time when she felt like that, with a touch of loneliness to make it more bitter? I sensed that she must have enjoyed the day and evening with me, why else had we been together so long? However, in doing so she had let her guard down and my leaving must have made her feel foolish for having done so. I couldn’t do anything about any of that; I wasn’t responsible for her feelings.
I went to the hallway to put my shoes on and when I lifted my head Baltic Babe had walked in to the kitchen, as far away from me as possible, was leaning with her back against the sink, had her arms crossed and wore a pissed off look on her face, glaring at me.
“Come here, Trouble,” I said with a smile and opened my arms wide, offering a hug.
She looked at me, thought about it for a second and then came over to me.
Her arms around my waist felt so good. I enveloped her and she made an approving sound that I can still hear.
“You’re so close to being perfect for me, but yet so far,” I couldn’t help but say. My thoughts and feelings somehow became my words.
I felt her grip on me tighten.
“I have to go now,” I said, with my heart in my throat. Every ounce of me wanted to scoop her up in my arms, carry her upstairs and make love to her until the sun came up, which wasn’t that long to go.
Baltic Babe let go of me and again angrily said, “Yes! You go now!” and backed off a few paces, frowning at me.
I knew that in her emotional reasoning, feeling like she had kicked me out made her feel better, stronger, safer, still in control. I understood her well enough to know that such an intense reaction was merely a mask for another emotion, of equal intensity and the two balanced each other out.
“Hey, don’t be upset. We’ve had a good time today. Don’t spoil it. It doesn’t have to be a bad goodbye,” I said as soothingly as I knew how.
Her face softened, her shoulders sagged and her vibe told me that she felt lost. Was she as confused about me as I was about her?
“Come here,” I said, opening my arms again.
She quickly stepped forward this time, threw her arms around me and held on tight.
I had a tear in my eye. I wanted to be with her forever, but knew that forever was impossible. We wanted very different things from the future, incompatible things…children.
“So close, yet so far,” I heard myself say again. I felt her exhale.
I kissed her on the forehead and let go of her. She held on to me for a few seconds longer before releasing.
“You can go to bed and play with yourself now,” I said with a smile and it made her give off a weak laugh. I drank in that little laugh.
I got in my car at half past three in the morning and drove home in a daze, slightly horny and very confused. I was at least proud of myself that I had found the strength to walk away before things got out of control and we made a mistake of some kind. When I got home I switched on my phone and a text message was waiting for me.
Baltic Babe at 03.52 – I hope this text finds you well! I can now go to the bed sweet dreams
Me at 04.48 – I shall call you later, need to think about what just happened. Don’t dream of me.
Baltic Babe at 11.55 – I had a very restless night..It was not such a good idea to watch what we watched. You are not meant to do that with friends. By the way, you took my rake away!
How could someone so wrong for me feel so right, so good?
She was my kryptonite…