I spotted a cute face on MatchAffinity, I favourited her and overnight she had done the same thing, which I took as a “come-on” sign. Women are modest like that and will rarely approach a man first, for fear of seeming desperate or easy as well as not having to deal with the icy cold sting of rejection if the man doesn’t respond – that privilege is reserved for men. I wrote to her and after a few emails we agreed to meet.
She was house-hunting in my region and I suggested meeting at the same pub where I had first met Sweet Thing. I got there early so I sat in my car until she arrived and I recognized her as she drove in.
She was shorter and more portly than what I was expecting, but had a very pretty face, had at least c-cups, bright blue eyes and perfect blonde hair. I liked the look of her and she reciprocated by making the involuntary eye gesture women make when they fancy a man. None of us are attracted to someone’s personality at first sight.
Pleasantries aside we sit down to a very good lunch with wine. After a while conversation just didn’t flow. She seemed preoccupied and her answers to any questions were very short. I know how to make conversation, how to put a woman at ease in my company, but she was just hard work. Then it started to all come out; I think the alcohol helped.
It turned out that she was still married and had walked out of her marital home only two months previously. She was from the North of England and had moved to the South of England. After a long, unrewarding marriage one day she decided to cut her losses, packed what she could in her car and hit the road, heading South, with nowhere to go to. En route she made a plan and ended up sharing a house near London with a male friend of a female friend.
With a little bit of coaxing she confided that her and the flatmate had fucked a few times. She claimed to want something a little bit more serious than just a fuckbuddy, which was why she was on a dating site.
“So what kind of relationship are you looking for?” I asked.
“Oh, I don’t know,” is all she said after a few seconds of contemplation.
In my mind I christened her ‘Confused Cutie’.
I took stock of her: she was still wearing her wedding rings and another guy’s cum was dripping out of her. Not exactly Plan A (relationship) material, was she? It was time to invoke Plan B: to see if she was just looking for some fun. Did she just want to be someone’s piece of fuckmeat for a while? My romantic heart closed to her and my childish alter ego, Stupid Boy, materialised from nowhere, invisibly stroking my cock under the table.
Looking outside I thought of taking her for a walk in the woods that started across the road. How long would it take before Confused Cutie found herself leaning over a fallen tree, her legs spread with blouse and bra pushed up under her armpits, her milky white breasts swaying as I thumped my cock into her tight little pussy? At the same time I’m trying not to trip over her knickers with a wet spot that clung to an ankle…
I realized that I wasn’t packing rubber, so the daydream would have to wait for another time. What other people call fantasies, I call plans. I decided to pursue a subtler course with no outcome in mind.
In my high school we had a school psychologist. We were all told that he was a ‘guidance teacher’. His role was to help troubled teenagers, prepare kids for adult life by teaching practical life-skills and getting the boys mentally ready for the rigours of military service. He met with each class once a week for an hour to teach us things like how to write a resume, how to behave at a job interview, how to open and operate a bank account, practical things that young adults need to know about. Once he made all the girls carry a small pocket of potatoes everywhere for a week and at the end of it he told the girls that they now had an idea of what handling a baby was like.
One lesson was about love and relationships. He put us through a short questionnaire that showed how we all differed when it came to important life matters. He said that a good partner for each of us would give the same or similar answer as we did to three aspects of life. I decided to put my date through this questionnaire, not just to make conversation or get to know her better, but honestly to alleviate the boredom that I felt.
“You’re in a Magical Forest and you have to follow a path with dense tress either side of it. You can only go forwards and little bit either side of the path, but never backwards. You’re going to encounter three scenes and you have to tell me your instinctual reaction to each scene, your immediate gut reaction, as quickly as you can. Don’t worry, there’s no right or wrong answer. Got it?”
“Yes,” she said, apprehensively which is a totally normal reaction.
“The first scene is you’re walking along the path and you come face to face with a wolf. He’s snarling, the spit is flying and he’s about to attack you. Quick, tell me what you’d do!”
“Uh, I’d climb a tree” Confused Cutie said.
“Okay, you climb a tree and after a while the wolf gets bored and wanders off. He’s never to be seen again, you’re perfectly safe and you follow the path once more. It brings you out at a clearing dominated by a waterfall. The top of the waterfall is high above you and a plunge-pool is at your feet. It’s a pleasantly warm day and the water looks inviting. Tell me what you’d do,” I said.
“Uhm, I’d bend down and feel the water with my hand,” she responds.
“You wouldn’t go for a swim?” I coax.
“No. I don’t know what’s in the water or how deep it is or where it all goes,” Confused Cutie elaborates.
“Okay, you touch the water and get back on the path. It leads you to the final scene which is a house in a clearing. The house is made of your favourite sweets and treats, all the things you can’t resist eating. There’s a door and window, but no signs of life. Tell me, do you eat anything off of the house or try to go inside?”
“I look at the house but won’t eat anything because it might be poisoned. I might try and look through the window to see what’s inside, but I won’t knock on the door. Right, so what’s this all about?”
“Well, each of the scenes is a metaphor for something significant in life. The wolf is a cross-cultural symbol for problems. The vast majority of people do what you did and climb a tree.”
“So what does it mean?” Confused Cutie asked.
“It means that the vast majority of people seek shelter from their problems.” I didn’t want to point out that she had just run away from her married home.
“What do you do?”
“Me? I attack the wolf. I either kill it or it runs away. That’s just me for you,” I say with a smile.
“So what does that mean?” she asks, now very interested in this little game.
“It means I tackle my problems. Very few people do.”
“And the waterfall?”
“Ah, well that’s a metaphor for love. It shows what a person’s attitude towards love is,” I tell her.
“And my response shows what?”
“It shows that you have a very cautious approach to love. You need to know for certain before you commit to anything,” I explain. Once again it’s the most common answer given.
“Yes, I would agree with that. What’s your answer?”
“I take my clothes off and jump in,” I tell her.
“Which shows that you aren’t afraid of love, but can be reckless with it,” she pronounces proudly.
“You got it. Very good. You’re not just a pretty face,” I flatter which makes her smile. She’s very pretty when she smiles.
“And the final scene, the house?” Confused Cutie asks.
“That’s a complicated one. The house is about a person’s approach to life. There’s two parts to it. The temptations indicate degree of self-control and zest for life. The door and window show how curious and respectful someone is about life and other people,” I explain.
“So what does my answers tell you about me?” she asks cautiously.
“You observe life and are slightly curious about it. That’s the most common answer and approach in all my years of asking people about this,” I say. In my mind I know that the vast majority of people do exactly the same thing as her, voyeuristic as they watch life go by, which makes them and her boring to me.
“What do you do at the house?” she asks.
“I have an incredibly sweet tooth, so I eat so much of the house that I can inside it,” I tell her.
“Which says what about you?”
“It says says that I have such a zest for and curiosity about life that I get to understand things in a way that most people don’t. However, it says that I find it easier to ask for forgiveness than permission because I tend to do what I want, not always what I should” I confess, now not giving a damn about what she thought of me.
“Interesting,” is all she said.
As you can see, Confused Cutie and I were badly mismatched.
We moved outside into the unseasonally warm sun, slowly sipping our drinks, trying to make small-talk. There was no chemistry between us and we were just both going through the motions. Conversation was difficult at times as she closed her eyes and tilted her head to sun herself. This was going well. Not.
I was thinking of how to end this disaster when she said, “Right, it’s time for me to go. I have another house viewing in an hour.”
I walked Confused Cutie to her car and we stood beside it, not knowing what to say, so Stupid Boy took charge and I leaned in to kiss her, expecting a slap or a cheek being presented. I didn’t care what happened, I was practising being naughty, trying on my new Grey Knight armour. Stupid Boy was becoming Grey Knight.
To my surprise I got a very lusty full-mouth kiss with a probing tongue that shot out after just a few seconds. Confused Cutie was certainly a passionate kisser. You can tell a lot from a kiss; she was a horny little wench.
She let go of me, gave a satisfied smile and said, “It was was great to meet you. I’ll be in touch” and then she got in her car and drove off.
I had learned that in England “I’ll be in touch” actually meant “fuckoff and die”.
The Days of the Grey Knight were not off to a good start, but it mattered not as I had another date lined up for the next day…
LESSON LEARNED: Always carry a condom. It gives me options.