I suggested to Miss Indecisive that she visit me in my town on the Friday night and that we go for dinner. It was also a way of letting her see my home, all in an effort to develop the relationship. I was also hoping to share our first kiss. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
On the Friday morning I got up early to clean and tidy my apartment. I knew I wouldn’t have time in the evening getting back from work to do so. Nobody cleans quicker than a man expecting a lady visitor!
That night we met outside my block and went straight to the restaurant. Winter was nearly upon us and it was cold and dark as we walked up to the Italian taverna that had cute Christmas lights on the trees outside. I was looking forward to this encounter because I could sense the possibility of a relationship with Miss Indecisive.
We sat down to an excellent meal accompanied by great wine. It was a classically romantic dinner for a newly-dating couple. She still had a bad cold, but I was determined to kiss her at the end of the night.
Conversation flowed easily and we were both very relaxed and comfortable with each other. Once again the cocktail of medicine and alcohol slowly took effect. Miss Indecisive moved the conversation towards her previous boyfriend, which made me wonder if she was still hung up on him. I wasn’t expecting what she said next though.
“He liked to have me dress up in skimpy leather outfits with knee-high boots, then put me over his lap and spank me until my backside went red. After that he would pick me up and put me on top of the cupboard.”
“Then what?” I asked while trying not to choke on my veal.
“Oh, he would lie on the bed and have a wank while we stared at each other.”
“You’re kidding. How did you feel about this?” I asked, hiding my surprise.
“I would just laugh. The whole thing was just preposterous, but it’s what he liked, so I went along with it.”
This story struck me as somewhat unbelievable. What man would do that when he had such an attractive woman before him? Seeing as she was in a chatty frame of mind about this I decided to be naughty and for once dared to delve deeper.
“What did he do to pleasure you?” I asked.
“Pleasure me? Absolutely nothing! He wasn’t interested in pleasuring me. It was all about him. I was just his toy. It’s one of the reasons I left him.”
“So how did you get off?” I couldn’t believe that I was having this conversation, but what the hell.
“I would simply have to play with myself while he watched. He was a bit of a voyeur, Mr Banker-Wanker.”
Every man is a bit of a voyeur, it’s just the degree that varies. Any man that says he doesn’t enjoy watching pornography is a liar. Men are visual creatures, it’s how we are. I’ve watched my fair share of porn, but I don’t need it every day, I’m not addicted. But to have a sexy woman like her in front of you and not want to make the beast with two backs is highly unusual to my mind.
The meal ended and I invited Miss Indecisive back to my place on the pretext of introducing her to Californication. She accepted and we left the restaurant with her thanking me for paying for the meal. Something told me that she was going to like that show.
My apartment is nothing fancy, it’s quite plain and simple actually. I keep it clean and tidy as a rule because that’s how I am. The clean-up of the morning was just a confidence booster for me. It has a separate bedroom, an awful apricot-coloured bathroom, a kitchen that was very with it when it was installed in the 1980s and a decent-sized lounge that I have worked minor miracles with to make it what it was. Is now a good time to mention that I’m colour-blind?
About a minute after entering it I could sense that Miss Indecisive’s mood had changed. She became less chatty. Undaunted I got us comfortable on the sofa in front of my huge television. I offered her a drink, but she declined, so I changed her world by switching on Californication. As I expected, she loved it, laughing at everything that I laughed at too. Good, we had a similar sense of humour.
I sat on one end of the sofa and she sat on the far end with a cushion on her lap, her arms folded and her legs crossed. Her body language told me that she was uncomfortable. I had no intention of jumping her, I just wanted one kiss. Of course she couldn’t know this. I decided not to try my luck in my home because it might have freaked her out. Saying goodbye later would seem a more appropriate and safe time for her.
The second episode of Californication ended and Miss Indecisive said that it was time for her to go. I was little surprised as it was barely 10pm on a Friday night, but said nothing. I escorted her to her car which was parked on the street in front of my block.
“What are your plans for the coming week and next weekend?” I asked, wondering when our next date would be.
“Umm, I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I have dates all weekend next week,” she said without much emotion.
“Oh, I see,” was all I could stammer.
Was she trying to brush me off? Let me know that there were other guys on the scene? Let me down gently?
So I had a little competition. That’s okay, I can handle that. Sod it, I still wanted to kiss her.
I was just about to kiss her when an old lady walking her decrepit dog came by. The dog stopped to sniff Miss Indecisive’s car. We all paused to see if it would dare lift a leg.
It didn’t and the two interlopers shuffled down the street. I turned to kiss Miss Indecisive, but she was halfway into her driver’s seat.
“Right, got to go. Thank you for a lovely evening,” she said and drove off, leaving me standing befuddled and bemused.
The next morning, having had some time to digest her bombshell, I sent her the following email:
I really enjoyed last night. I hope you did too?
May all your dates this coming week be lacking in stature, eloquence, intellect, morals, wit and cologne.
PS. I’d like to see you again.
On the Sunday evening I got the following response:
I have enjoyed meeting you and our three dates, however I have decided that one day I may want children and as you are adamant that you do not it would not be fair on either of us to go out again.
I wish you the best of luck finding Miss Right.
I was disappointed in a couple of ways. First, I thought there was a chance of a relationship. Second, that she used the excuse that she did. Third, I probably wouldn’t know the real reason why and was left guessing that she was more attracted to someone else.