I think it’s time I told you about what happened with my ex-girlfriend…
We had been together for over four and a half years, living together for all except the first year. We met via an online dating site almost a year after my wife and I had agreed to divorce.
It was a cold Saturday morning, a few weeks before Xmas, when my girlfriend went off to the shops for the day to do Xmas shopping. My computer had been badly acting up, so I decided to stay home to fix it. I ran a variety of anti-virus and anti-malware programs. One them found a nasty piece of spying software.
I know a thing or two about software and my analysis of it revealed when it was installed and what exactly it had been doing. It was sending weekly reports to somebody of everything that I had been doing on my computer. It was sending account names and passwords of all my email and banking accounts…everything.
The reports were being sent to my girlfriend.
She was a Luddite, so I knew her brother must have helped her do this. I got her brother to confess to me that, a few days after I had given my girlfriend the keys to my apartment 4 years previously, that she roped him in to going with her in to my home and installing the software on my pc.
For 4 years she had been reading reports of what I had been doing online. She must have been so bored.
This wasn’t the first time that I had caught her invading my privacy. I came home early one day and found her sitting at my computer with my book of passwords open. She had been sitting there going through websites that I hadn’t logged on to for some time to see what they were about.
If I had known about the spyware then I would have a greater understanding of exactly was going on. But in that incident I just freaked out and told her that if she ever did anything like that again that I would leave her.
So, back to that cold Saturday morning before Xmas years after that incident…
I needed some stationery and in the stationery cabinet I noticed a piece of paper sticking out with my handwriting on it. I pulled it out and it was a photocopied page from my book of accounts and passwords. It was the latest page of passwords that I had changed a week earlier.
Imagine what I felt and thought now!
In quite an emotional state I was trying to decide what to do. One of my tasks that my girlfriend had left for me to do while she was out was to get in the attic and bring the Xmas tree and decorations down. While I was up there, stumbling around in the near dark, I knocked a box over and its contents spilled out. I picked some of the books up and saw that they were diaries. Her diaries.
What would you do? Really think about it. You’ve just found out that your other half has been spying on you for years. What was the right thing to do here?
I was angry, very angry. I decided to read them.
I took them downstairs and began reading them. I can read very fast.
It was no ordinary set of diaries. These were her sex diaries. They started at the age of fourteen and stopped when she met me when she was 36.
After 6 hours of reading I realized that everything that my girlfriend had told me about her past was pretty much a lie and that she had a much bigger, sordid history. I read of awful depraved things that she had experienced and done. Having sex with a boyfriend at lunchtime then having sex with another guy in the evening. I read of hotel beds being broken, meeting a stranger on plane then going to his home straight from the airport. I read of one-night stands and of fucking a guy because she liked his car. I read of sexual deeds and dalliances that made my stomach turn. I read of her being cheated on several times and of her cheating as many times. I learned that many of her male friends were ex-lovers. Two close male friends, guys who had often socialised with us in our home, had been fuckbuddies with her. I read of the one sexual thing that I cannot accept – it made me nauseous. Her “number” was a big multiple of what she had told me of.
With every page that I flipped through my love, trust and respect for her dwindled. A picture of a very different person was emerging; a picture of a promiscuous, vengeful, dis-trusting, amoral person. My love for her had been based on a carefully thought-out version of her that she had deliberately and skilfully delivered and adhered to.
It had all been a lie…I had fallen in love with a lie.
Months later, after the passing of time and the cooling of emotion, I was able to realize that it was the cheating and being cheated upon that made her so insecure. It was that insecurity that led to her planting spyware on my computer and invading my privacy in other ways. I was being punished for other men’s sins.
On the day of reading her diaries it was the hurt of seeing that I had been played and badly misled that I focussed on. I had been a naïve fool who trusted blindly. In the same way that trust is a necessary ingredient of love, so is respect. I no longer respected her. It was the loss of respect and trust for her that ultimately killed my feelings for her.
I know that apologists for her would say that all I had read was in the past. That she was young and stupid and had made mistakes, that people go looking for love in the wrong places, that she was trying to be a new, better person. Bullshit! I’ll show that all to be a false outlook, when you read future posts about her.
The reality was that her past was very much a big part of her present. Her past had twisted her soul badly when it came to trusting people. Her past is what made her continually spy on me over the course of our relationship. I had given her no cause to do so, none whatsoever. Who constantly spies on their other half for over 4 years before they find out? How long was she going to keep doing this – forever?
I wondered what must have gone through the minds of her friends who knew her truth when they socialised with me in her presence. Did they have to watch their words for fear of letting something slip out? What were those male “friends” thinking? Were they laughing at me for my naivety? Was there a deliberate, co-ordinated conspiracy of silence? How could I face these people again? I felt like a cuckold. How did she constantly live a lie?
She came home and we rowed. Late on that Saturday I packed what belongings I could fit in to my car and drove to my best friend’s place. I needed time and space away from her; room to breathe, to take in the shock of her past and hidden character. Even then, as inexperienced in relationships as I was, I knew that someone who was a cheat always had it in them to cheat if the circumstances were right. Once a cheat, always a cheat – I shall not be convinced otherwise. Anyone who deludes themselves that a cheat can be reformed, well, I wish them and their delusion the best of luck.
I stayed with my friend for a week and at its end I decided to see if I could forgive her, to listen to her side of the story, to discern if there was any hope for us. You see, I had loved her dearly and was grateful for her every day. It had felt like she was made for me. I had contemplated asking her to marry me after having sworn to myself to never marry again. A few days before Xmas I returned to what was our home intent on giving it another go. Forgiveness is not something that comes naturally to me, so it was going to be a challenge.
For months I tried to get my head around all the revelations. She tried her best to answer my endless questions which started to irritate her. Of course, it’s not nice to have someone pick your sexual history apart, but I was looking for answers. Unfortunately the more I knew, the more I wanted to know. I was looking for signs of hope that all these things could never happen again.
I was kidding myself; reassurance is built on trust and there was none between us. Once trust and respect is gone, so is the love – plain and simple. No trust + no respect = no love.
To be continued…
ELO – Evil Woman