It’s the weekend before Christmas 2013 and all the other ladies I’m juggling are away from London for the next week or so. I have a couple of Groupon vouchers left over that are expiring soon so I decide to use them, to go out and enjoy what life has to offer at this time of year. The only person available at such short notice is Cat Lady so we agree to meet on Saturday. I’m not thinking of it as a date, but more two friends going out together.
It’s lunchtime as I spot Cat Lady coming towards me as I loiter in a coffee shop in central London. She’s late again because she insists on taking the bus everywhere despite the Tube taking a third of the time. I’ve reserved a table at a novel Japanese restaurant and then shortly afterwards it’s off to see a West End show; this time it’s ‘The Two Guvnors’. Because they’re Groupon vouchers the timing wasn’t of my choosing so when I told Cat Lady of the details I made a point of asking her not to be late. She’s almost half an hour late. I find her constant tardiness annoying. If I were to date her I’d tell her earlier times and if she ever was on time then she could wait for me.
We kiss hello on the lips and I say nothing of her lateness. What would be the point of that? I usher her towards the restaurant which even I’m impressed by. It’s super-modern with futuristic ordering done on the table surface, funky décor and innovatively presented dishes and surprisingly good food. I’ve always found restaurants that put money and effort into the surroundings to be a disappointment when it came to the food, but not this place.
Cat Lady is wearing skin-tight, grey leather trousers and she looks sexy. She does have a good body on her. I think we’d fuck well together, but that’s not what I’m hoping or aiming for. This is just a good, clean fun outing as far as I’m concerned. I notice her stealing glances at my mouth. It takes a little while before I realize that she’s got kissing on her brain. Are my kisses that good to her? She did seem to enjoy my goodnight kiss the last time we saw each other. Maybe it’s that sweet spot in her monthly cycle when she’s horny? It would explain the trousers.
The rushed meal ends and we stride to the theatre where we join the back of the queue for the matinee show. We take our seats just as the curtain goes up. When I’m at work I rush around like a headless chicken, so when it’s my time I prefer to be leisurely about it, to savour the best moments, to enjoy the experience. There’s nothing to enjoy when rushing. I wonder if this is one of the reasons why she has had so many short-term relationships: guys just won’t put up with her inconsiderate behaviour?
‘Two Guvnors’ is raucously funny and I’m glad I made the effort to come out. At intermission we head to the bar on our floor where Cat Lady stands holding her hands, expecting me to buy her a drink, which I do. I find her presumptuousness somewhat offensive, but I say nothing. I’ve been unemployed since I walked out of my job in early August, while I know that she earns a decent amount of money in her profession. I’ve treated her to a meal and show, the least she could do is offer to buy me a drink, but no.
Drinks in hand we make conversation which inevitably leads to discussing plans for Christmas Day.
“So what are you doing for Christmas lunch?” she asks.
“Some friends have invited me around, but I haven’t said yes yet,” I answer.
Various friends have indeed invited me over for Christmas lunch, but I’m tired of feeling like the charity case at the dinner table. The previous Christmas I spent at friends with me and my dating dilemmas becoming the focal point of discussion for what felt like an eternity. I don’t want to repeat that experience. This might surprise you, but I’m quite a private person; I don’t like being the centre of attention.
“Hey, why don’t you come have Christmas with me and my friends at my place?” Cat Lady says excitedly.
I think about it for a second and reply, “You know, I’d like that.”
“Cool. I’ll send you the details later,” she says as a bell sounds, beckoning us to retake our seats.
After the show we rejoin a darkened London and Cat Lady suggests that we go for a walk through Green Park as it’s her favourite park in this metropolis. Initially we walk side by side, like friends ought to, but after a while our arms are couple and I don’t know how that happened. I can’t help wonder if she’s expecting different things from this encounter compared to my agenda. Lordy, could she be hoping for us to spend the night together?
No, this is all becoming too complicated and messy for me. I’ve got Travel Gal and Busty Blonde well into my pipeline; they’re both at Phase 2, i.e. Dating. I’ve also got two little Russians at Phase 1, i.e. Pre-Date. Have I lost control of matters with Cat Lady and she has been at Phase 3 (Pre-Bang) without my knowing and now she wants to move on to Phase 4, i.e. Banging?
We aimlessly wander around Green Park making small-talk while in my head I resolve that if she offers herself to me that I should decline. I know deep down that she’s not The One for me, so why get embroiled in what could turn into a nasty situation for one or both of us? She doesn’t deserve any more hurt since her last relationship and I don’t want to hurt her. I also don’t want to be someone’s rebound fling; it’s not what I’m looking for.
It’s barely 7pm when we find ourselves standing at a bus-stop on Piccadilly. She wants to catch a bus which could take over an hour for her to get home. Conversation dies for a moment, I spot her staring at my lips yet again and decide to indulge her in a little of what she obviously wants.
I lean forward and she instantly comes in to meet me. Our lips gently lock and I feel her breath out onto my chin. We kiss slowly and in less than half a minute she starts using her tongue. I think that’s the first time she’s done that and I take it as a sign that she’s frisky. I counter with my own tongue and she makes sounds of approval as I wrap my arms around her. Cat Lady feels good in my arms; her body is a good fit for mine.
Slowly I unwind myself from her and let my lips be the last thing to touch her. She stands in front of me, biting her bottom lip and looking lustfully into my eyes. Yes, she wants to fuck, but I’m not going to. It seems that neither of us know what to say or do next. She furtively looks away but within seconds looks at me sideways. My dating and sexual adventures have taught me that when a woman gives me that sideways look, it means she fancies me, perhaps even to the point of wanting to get physical with me. It’s always been a wonderfully flattering feeling when I’ve spotted that look, but tonight it’s an unwanted complication.
No self-respecting woman is going to say to me, “Wanna come back to my place for sex?” That’s not how women operate. They expect a man to pick up on their subtle clues and signals, but sadly most men are not as observant as women would like. In my line of work attention to detail is vital and, when recruiting staff, I’ve always leaned towards hiring a woman because I believe women to be at least twice as observant as men. I think it’s an evolutionary thing in that, during caveman times, a woman would spot the danger first and retreat with the child while the man, is sent off to fight the threat. It also plays out elsewhere in that, after sex, the man falls asleep while the woman is wide awake. Should a predator present itself the woman will wake the man to do the fighting while she does the running away. We really haven’t progressed far as a species.
I’m not going to suggest going back to her place and she’s not going to either, so we’re at a stand-off which suits me. Just to make sure that I’m reading the situation correctly I lean in to kiss her again and this time it’s more passionate than before. In the last year or so I have had women compliment my kissing technique and I know that it turns most of them on, so Cat Lady must be dripping wet. She must regret choosing to wear those leather trousers.
Mercifully a bus arrives and Cat Lady climbs aboard this new version of the old open-rear entrance where she clings to the pole. We make utterances about Christmas Day just as the bus pulls off.
I go home not too sure what to make of this encounter. Is she warming to me? Does she want more than she previously indicated? It doesn’t matter because I’m not that taken with her, largely because she’s just too damaged from her last relationship, just like Krazy Girl is. I need to find a way to let her down gently.
On Christmas Eve morning I get a text message from Cat Lady. She says that she has a bad cold and that she’s had to cancel her Christmas Day plans. I respond wishing her improved health, but inside me all sorts of other thoughts and feelings rage. I don’t believe her story, something doesn’t ring true. Does she feel spurned by my not going home with her on Saturday night? Is this her revenge? Or is this her way of pissing me off to the extent that we don’t see each other again?
If that last notion is her intent it has worked. I’m pissed off that I now have nowhere to go on Christmas Day. I can’t phone around at this last minute seeing which friends have a spare place at their table, it’s just too embarrassing to do.
That’s how it came to be that I spent Christmas Day of 2013 by myself. It was initially a very depressing morning; I felt lonely. Yes, I phoned my usual people that I speak to on Xmas Day and lied about my plans for the day. I even lied to my mother. As the day wore on my mood improved. It felt less stressful than yet again feeling like the spare wheel in a room full of happy couples.
I got to think about some things, mostly reviewing my dating experiences of the year. I even sat down and wrote a few of the things that you’ve read. Although it wasn’t time for New Year’s resolutions, I decided that I need to slow down my dating life and focus on getting more quality dates. I resolve to be more ruthless with women I meet. If the first date is no good, then there’s no second date. I’m learning that, in life, as things start it is generally how they tend to go. I’m tired of being surrounded by people who have a negative effect on me.
As a consequence of these resolutions I decide to not see Cat Lady again. It’s not doing either of us any good. She’s just too flaky to even have as a friend.
I’m hoping that next Christmas will be better. It can’t be much worse.
Yes – Owner of a lonely heart