Love revisited

In my two years on the dating scene I’ve come a long way, but I don’t feel any closer to my final destination: true love. I’ve had tremendous up and downs and not just in the bedroom. I’m older and wiser, but still don’t have what I want and, as I am discovering about myself, need. What exactly is this thing that I want and need so badly, this thing known as love?

Some time ago I wrote about love ( ) and since then my thoughts about love have evolved.

I think we all have our own idea of what love is. That’s part of the problem: finding someone who shares our idea of love. The love I offer is unlimited in quantity, devoid of conditions and free of boundaries. I’ve come to realize that finding someone who offers the same is incredibly rare.

There are quotes about love that resonate with me.

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Don’t settle for the one you can live with…wait for the one you can’t live without.

The first quote speaks of a life together, a more mature love, while the second speaks of meaning.

I’ve come to realize that what I am seeking is meaning to my life. I am not a selfish person and that is a problem in the world I find myself in because it seems to me that ninety percent of people are selfish by nature. Yes, I know that’s the way it has been and always will be, but I find it sad. Being a Giver in a world of Takers is a lonely, frustrating experience.

I’ve also realized that my need to give love is greater than my desire to receive it. It has been why I have become embroiled with women who are patently unsuitable to me. My greed for love overwhelmed my fear of hurt and failure. My greed blinded me to danger which, when love is concerned, must be eminently better than being paralysed by fear. So many of the women I’ve met have been controlled by their fears, looking backwards when they should be looking forwards, looking at the person they have before them and not punishing them for someone else’s mistakes.

The love I seek isn’t driven by fear. I don’t fear growing old alone. I don’t fear not knowing what being a father is all about. I don’t fear never loving someone again.

I just want to spend what’s left of my life feeling loved and loving that person too. Our love for each other would be so strong that, even after I’ve died, when she has lunch or dinner, she will prop up a photo of me next to her plate. I would do the same.

When I’m with her I want to feel like the luckiest man in the world because I’m with her. I want to see it in her eyes, I want to feel it in her touch, that she loves me. It would be nice to meet someone who, when she looks at me then closes her eyes, she likes what she sees.

Billy Joel put it best, “I don’t need clever conversation, I never want to work that hard”. I want and need good conversation; I offer it too. We make each other laugh, we make each other think, our words make each other feel good. With me she’ll never have wrinkles, only laughter lines.

Physical attraction is common, but a mental connection is rare.
Physical attraction is common, but a mental connection is rare.

I can’t wait to have Her sitting by my side, complaining of sore feet from all the walking we’ve done that day. I’ll go get some moisturiser, flop her onto her back, take her shoes off, rub the lotion warm in my hands and give her a foot massage that relaxes her. I want to do this not because I want anything in return, no, I’ll do this because I love her. Her pleasure is my pleasure.

However, I have unresolved issues, reservations and questions about love.

Is my idea of love sound? Is what I am looking for possible? Am I deluded in some way? Am I wasting my time? Do I really know what love is? Not for a moment do I think I have all the answers, but I certainly have a lot of questions.

And what of when it goes wrong? Where does love go to die? Does it evaporate up into the heavens, eventually falling back to earth as rain, so that the sky cries with us? If so, then when it rains, does it mean someone’s heart is breaking?

As much as I want to share my life with someone special, I know that I value my sense of freedom that I’m enjoying at the moment. Do I have to trade one for the other? Does a woman’s sense of security come at the price of a man’s sense of freedom? I’m in no hurry to want to live with someone, but do want to spend a good amount of time with her. Do we have to live together? I think not. I hope she’s of a like mind.

I wonder if I am destined to roam freely from one kind of fling to another, experiencing more than any man can hope to experience in his lifetime, getting to know in gritty detail all the sins of the flesh, learning all there is to know about womankind, but like a tormented ghost, to never succumb to the greatest thing that life has to offer: love.

Perhaps the fault all along has lain on my side in that my expectations are greater than what is possible or likely? Was I too hasty with The Brazilian? Should I have met Baltic Babe halfway and had a child with her? Should I have taken things easier and slower with Krazy Girl? Should I have stayed with Sweet Thing and Busty Blonde? The answer to all these questions is a resounding ‘no!’.

The love that was on offer with all those women just wasn’t good enough. Any relationship would not have worked in the long run. The eternal conundrum of either trying harder to make it work or walking away always had an obvious answer to me, but I took too long with Busty Blonde. Sadly it was her turn to be a victim of love.

I’m starting to think that I am capable of a greater love than anybody I have ever met. I don’t want to be anybody’s true north or the one who completes them. I don’t want that responsibility. All I want is for her to see the real me, appreciate all that she sees in me and just love me. In return I shall do the same…as a minimum.

The famous astronomer, Sir Patrick Moore, had a secret side to him. We all do, but his must have been beautiful. During World War Two he was a navigator on a British bomber, regularly flying to Germany to drop bombs on people. It was only a matter of time before he was killed; all bomber crews knew this, but they went anyway. Heroes every one of them. Because of the short life expectancy, people in those times threw themselves with gusto at life. They knew that every day could, literally, be their last. He became engaged to marry a girl that he had fallen in love with. In a German air raid over London she was killed. I wonder if the irony of him being bomber crew played on his mind. He survived the war, but was never known to show an interest in another woman. Apparently that part of him died with her. He went to his grave recently, never having loved again. Now that is true love…or true heartbreak. I think I know how he could have felt.

I watched “A Message in a Bottle” by myself last night. I had tears in my eyes at the end. The Brazilian would like that movie because it ends in disappointment, an outcome and feeling that she is comfortable with. The female protagonist in the movie is the sort of woman I want to meet. She has a big heart, attractive, and willing to do anything for love. Does such a woman exist? I guess seeing as it’s derived from a fictional book that the characters are symbolic of what men and women aspire to in the opposite gender but never find. The thing is that Kevin Costner’s character, Garret Blake, is so much like me. I too would have dived into the sea to rescue total strangers.

I guess I’m a fool for love, a love-fool and I don’t care if it makes a fool of me.

I also don’t care what price I have to pay because I’m looking for my last first kiss.

Where are you?

Raindrops on windows, my thoughts are of you
The teardrops on my pillow look like dew.
This loneliness is becoming too much to bear
I just want someone I love to equally care.

I see you when I’m out and about
Across the crowd I want to shout.
“I’m over here, all this time, right here!”
If I did their looks will be of fear.

So instead we stare with sly eyes
And we go home alone to fantasize.
We think there’s something wrong with us
Too scared to talk to that stranger on the bus.

This life with no meaning, this walking alone
Am I being punished for a deed I must atone?
I have met so many, yet wanted so few
Is every step taking me closer to you?

I look forward to us being two
Oh, where are you?

Foreigner – I Want To Know What Love Is

10 thoughts on “Love revisited”

  1. GK, my heart is breaking for you 🙁 You resonate what everyone is looking for…and NO it’s not too much to ask for. It is so disparaging to read profiles, put yourself out there, knowing that you are sincere in your own words and in your search, then wonder why others aren’t when they say they are. Your bravery, not only in putting yourself out there, but in writing and sharing your quest, allows for others to see that, YES, there are good people out there. I truly believe there is a match for everyone and that it will happen!

  2. I think we all strive for that GK but in reality how many of us achieve it? I do feel your pain as, apart from the dating bit, we are in very similar situations and of similar age. But after my recent split a line from one of Adele’s songs rings in my head a lot, “What if I never love again?”
    My answer to date has been, “So what if I don’t?” Yes I miss the closeness, cuddles and feeling of being loved. But what have those cost me?
    The answer to date has been a lot. I’m as happy as I can be at this moment and this is perhaps your answer too. How many times can you hit that wall, how hard do you have to try before its too much, am I looking in the right places? All good questions that only you can answer and we can only offer encouragement in your quest.
    If it is truly what you want you will find the strength.
    God speed GK.

    1. David, thank you for your most excellent contribution. I am concerned for you that you have somewhat closed your heart to love. I predict that because you’re not looking, you’re going to find. I say this because you won’t be giving off that desperate vibe that some single men do.

      Of course there’s nothing wrong with taking a little breather. In fact, I think it a healthy thing to leave other people alone until we are whole within ourselves and not nursing a wound.

      As for me, I shall endure the slings and arrows of modern dating. I don’t see any alternative.

      1. I won’t say I’ve closed my heart as that would not be true but I’m definitely not looking. I’m very happy where I am at the moment and the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I too am an only child so no stranger to that either. If it happens so be it, if not, so what. The world will decide this time as I feel I make bad female choices.

        1. I too have made “bad female choices”. I see them as lessons in disguise, mere waypoints on my journey. I am wiser for these lessons because I am less likely to make them again…unless they were enjoyable mistakes, like Krazy Girl was for me.

  3. I hope you do not look for less. Anyone can settle for less but isn’t that out of fear? You can’t act from fear when you’re aiming for greatness, right? There’s everything right in wanting and looking for wealth in the loving department and quality is or hopefully is a self fueling source of continuance in love is it not? There are so many examples of people who settle for low quality because they don’t want to be alone or they don’t want to go through divorce or break up. That’s no where you could be remotely ok in. You require an equal in loving and that’s what you should strive for. Even when you find it, you’ll have to keep striving because for all the desire and intent, we people forget or get used to behaviors, don’t we and appreciating one another is key to keeping love alive and strong. Again, you need another who gets that and remembers that. You would be so unhappy if you didn’t look for all of what you wanted.

    1. Luckily I’ve thought it better to be alone than be with the wrong person. As an only child I’m used to being alone; it’s not a problem.

      I agree that finding someone is the easy part. Relationships take work. Marriage comes with the seeds of its own destruction because at least one party will feel safe and not make as much of an effort like they used to. Complacency is a relationship-killer. A little insecurity is a good thing.

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